Changing How We Feel About Power, Part One

Power in Strength and Leadership

In every leader is the vulnerable human being with the courage to show up.

There is a collective bullshit narrative we’ve all been told is the truth, about who everyone should be. It causes people difficulty to be who they really are. I could easily write a ten-part series about the misconceptions of power as it is related to strong people, leaders, men and women. There are so many layers. For example, we have been told to believe that there is a specific way a man is supposed to behave as a leader, how women think they’re supposed to behave, and how both men and women use their power (or don’t use it). This belief system causes people to put themselves into a mold, supressing unique qualities that make them exceptional. People will continue to be afraid to be themselves in business and in life, unless collectively we change how we see each other. We need to start thinking about that, especially as women.

As a strong person, and because I am a woman, I used to worry people will think I’m a bitch. I have been known and referred to as a steam roller and a shark, and to that I say, thank you. Because that is a title I have earned. It has not been easy to be the one constantly disrupting the standards, which is what most organizations hire me to do. I am a get the job done, no bullshit type of worker. I move fast, I can make decisions quickly, and I do not seek or require any outside validation to do so. That can come across as harsh because I am so passionate, but it does not mean that I am not a kind person. When I’m not steam rolling you because that is my job and you will thank me later, I am a warm, compassionate loving person who puts the needs of others before my own, to the point that I often don’t leave any energy for myself (something I am constantly working on).

I often reflect on how I used to think about power and leadership, to now, after years of being in the centre of that arena. Just because you’re in leadership or a strong person and you can handle yourself, it doesn’t mean you don’t feel everything that everyone else does. The greatest misconception people have is that leaders don't need support, when in fact they are very human. We need to see beyond the power and understand what others are going through by having the compassion to stand in each other’s shoes.

Just because you’re in leadership or a strong person and you can handle yourself, it doesn’t mean you don’t feel everything that everyone else does.

In every leader is the vulnerable human being with the courage to show up. Strong people feel an expectation to act strong at all times. They receive all the problems, and people around them get the feeling that they don’t need anyone. Strong people find it hard to ask for help, and that can feel depressing because no one gives them the support they need. So, we have to be actively mindful that there is a human being inside, remember that all people need help, and we are all craving connection. 

I have been viewed as strong in the eyes of others from a very young age. I share a lot of my qualities of resilience with my father. We have a different approach, but we are both confident, assertive, ambitious and hardworking. As a young girl, my Dad taught me two very important things that have stuck with me throughout my life. He showed me how to feel the fear and do it anyway by holding my hand through what I considered to be white knuckle experiences, combined with a lot of tough love. He also consistently reminded me to never settle or compromise on my high standards, particularly during times where he saw me doing just that whether in my work or relationships. It was not always easy to be my father’s daughter, but I’m grateful for the firm heroic example of diligence and hard work he exhibited.

My mother was a strong parent as well and she very much supported my father’s leadership. She was always an example of warmth, joy, silliness, and playfulness. The greatest lesson she gave me was to find my voice, because through her own trial and tribulations and in a very different generation than me, she had to fight to use hers.

Photography by, Wendy Alana

Being strong does have its drawbacks. People always think I can take it. Sure, I’ll bear whatever you throw at me with grace, but it still hurts. And although the wounds don’t just fade away, I learned a long time ago how to turn the discomfort that comes with external feedback, into lessons. I see these lessons as gifts and opportunities for personal development, when applicable. First stop, always look inwards. But I am also very aware that some external feedback holds no value, therefore it is simply minutia and, in that case, find the humour and move on. If you’re going to kick a strong person, when you become that person get ready to be kicked because whatever you put out in the world is what you receive.

When I shared with my Mom that I was writing this blog she asked me a question, and I quote; “How come you didn’t let the bullshit narrative stop you? Why were you able to be both a strong and compassionate leader especially when you had no examples of that and under excruciating pressure?” I had to think about it, but ultimately in comes down to this: I have always followed my intuition rather than the pack, which has made me unpopular at times because I wasn’t doing life or leadership the way everyone else was. But I loved myself enough to be who I really am regardless of what people think. This is the essence of true leadership, and it is one of the many reasons why it can be so lonely at the top. “At the top”, a term people use to justify isolating people who do the heavy lifting.

There is a broader sense of values that we can operate within and be proud of that foster empathy, compassion and caring for others. I believe we can (and should) change the way we view power and leadership. In every leader is the vulnerable human being with the courage to show up.