Never Give Away Your Power

Have you ever been a position where you have felt small? When we are made to feel small by others and we don’t stand up, we give away our power. Think about that for a minute, we give away our POWER. When people go out of their way to make you feel bad about yourself, the question becomes whether it’s about you or them. If you think about it, there are plenty of people who make you feel comfortable around them without feeling the least bit weak or defensive. I suppose I could have titled this blog, Being Human 101.

Although the days of me giving my power away to others are far less than they used to be, I am no superhuman. Yes, I am strong, I am confident, and I know who I am as a person, but people can still certainly get under my skin and make me feel small.

Here are some examples of situations and behaviour that can cause me to feel insignificant:

When my ideas are dismissed without consideration (collaborate with me)

When my ideas are dismissed and then later presented as a new idea by the person who initially dismissed them (why didn’t I think of that?)

When my authority as a leader is undermined in the presence of others (respect me)

Not being supported by friends (show up for me)
Getting cut off in mid-sentence (you will have your turn to speak I promise)
Passive aggressive behaviour (just be real with me)
Manipulation (actions speak louder than words)
When my time is disrespected (this is HUGE for me)

I used to work with a repeat offender who would bail on our scheduled meetings right before they were meant to start. To the point that sometimes I would already be waiting in the meeting room and I would get a text saying they weren’t coming. Everything was always critically pressing and urgent when the meetings were forced into my calendar, but not quite urgent enough to show up and participate in solving them. I would move my entire schedule around in order to accommodate, and I did so with grace and a smile regardless of any inconvenience to me. I genuinely wanted this person to know that they were a priority and to feel important, so I never said anything I just made it work. Week after week, I would get a message at the last-minute requesting to move our time (so I had to re-organize my entire calendar all over again) or cancel all together. To this person, I was Cinderella, or at least that’s how they made me feel regardless of the countless times I would bend over backwards for them. Today, I would have the self-confidence and self-awareness to respectfully speak up and say, that is not cool.

When I think about the most accomplished people I’ve worked with, none of them ever made me feel small. They were humble, they encouraged me to work to a potential higher than I thought I could, and they collaborated with me. They opened doors and took chances on me. These people were still extremely self-confident but when I was in their presence, I felt their confidence in me, too. To belittle is a cruel way of making someone else seem less important than yourself. There’s a name for this manipulative behaviour that some use as a tactic to make you feel like you’re going crazy. It’s called gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone messes with your sense of reality by manipulating you and it causes you to doubt yourself, your memory and perception. Using misdirection, contradiction and even lying, this tactic destabilizes you and delegitimizes your beliefs. In their presence you can feel or look ashamed, embarrassed, guilty or unimportant, all because of something that person has said or done.

The way you handle people who make you insecure is to turn your attention inward and build up your own self-esteem. Just because one person leads you to question yourself doesn’t mean that you’re inadequate. You have to remember that there may also be times when you’re particularly vulnerable. Recognize that our feelings of security can vary over time, and this will help you reduce the distress that one individual can cause.

The truth is, we’ve all sat in both chairs. Deliberately or not, you’ve probably made others feel small too. There are ways you can accidentally make someone feel small, and I will use myself as an example. I’m like whiskey in a teacup. I can be very direct and to the point, but I’m also warm and gentle hearted, and I’m an empath. When I am speaking to another person, I sense what they are thinking and feeling, in fact, I absorb it. I experience a great deal of empathy. Because I am a strong person with an opinion and I communicate well, this can make certain people feel intimidated and insecure, so I have to be very mindful of that, especially if they are not a great communicator. I can feel it in the moment when this is happening and although my intention is the exact opposite, I have to change my approach (softer, lighter, gentler) on the fly to make sure this person does not leave feeling bad. We have to pay attention and be sensitive to the body language and feelings of others if we want to have successful conversations.

I know a lot of individuals who feel very small when their people don’t show up for them. Me too. Use this as a sign that it might be time to find some new people. I think that people coming in and going out of our lives is a sign of evolution. If we are moving forward it's only natural that there will be people who lift us up to the next phase and at some point, they could be the people we say goodbye to as we continue on our journey. Life is full of hellos and goodbyes. Hellos are wonderful new possibilities and goodbyes are thank you for your lessons. We don’t dump people because they hurt us, we move on because we are growing.

You cannot control how other people act, but you can control how you react to them. It is important to always look inwards to understand why certain people and situations make you feel insignificant and then grow from those experiences. If you can do this, then one day you will look back on all of the times you felt small and remember them as meaningful learning experiences of personal growth rather than negative times. You will also be able to recognize the triggers to help you navigate through future situations. There are certain people who I am grateful for the cringe worthy learning opportunity they gifted me with, and there are others who I no longer hold space for because either their core values do not align with mine, or we have simply evolved beyond the relationship. And that is all very much okay, natural, and not negative in any possible way.

From my heart to yours, you are amazing! No one else is YOU and this is YOUR superpower that only you get to own. Don’t let anyone or anything convince you otherwise. Never give away your power.

Mic drop.