Redefining Self Care in Motherhood

There’s a reason why I talk about self-care so much. It wasn’t something I practiced until about four years ago and I believe it is important to change the narrative as we redefine success and the impact busyness has on our mental health. Especially as mothers.

Pre-motherhood, I completely neglected what my body was trying to tell me for over a decade. I spent my entire young adult life hustling, working in high pressure environments, and when all that started coming to a head, I had to navigate six years of inconclusive infertility. I was in a pressure cooker and didn’t realize it. Eventually the stress took a toll on my body, and I ended up in the emergency room from a panic attack. That led to a doctor’s note landing me on stress leave from my career. The silver lining is, it was the first time I discovered self-care because I was given the gift of time. I started journaling, reading, writing, spending time in nature, meditating, riding my bike, exercising. Eventually when I re-entered the workforce, self-care became a non-negotiable part of my lifestyle.

It seemed just when I figured out how to balance work and life, the universe was ready to give me the greatest challenge (and greatest gift) of all. My children. I became instant mom to two toddlers through adoption, and my whole world flipped upside down immediately.

I had no help for the first number of months my children moved home. We were in a nesting phase where each child had to attach to at least one parent before anyone could be introduced into our bubble, including my own mother. It was intense, isolating, and I suffered from insomnia which led to some postpartum depression. I knew that I had to nurture myself, but there was no time. It’s easy to get lost in motherhood. I’m grateful that the awareness of self-care was there. I had been here before, so I knew what to do - ish. I quickly learned there was a significant difference in how I would have to re-learn to care for myself as a mother. The way that society portrays one of our favourite buzzwords is an unrealistic expectation for mothers, and it puts us in a box that is unattainable. That can be dangerous because self-care in motherhood is, survival. WHY DON’T THEY TELL YOU THAT.

I’ll have the glass of wine, but for some reason reading and journalling no longer feel light. Because I’m not looking to put more information in my tired brain and when the pen hits the paper I am totally blocked. Getting up at 5:00am now seems irresponsible if sleep is my lifeline. Making green juice is too much work, the machine makes too much noise, just give me the coffee. And I can’t go for a nature walk because I don’t have a babysitter. Self-care as a mother is not so possible without help.

The way society portrays self-care is an unattainable expectation for mothers.

Photography by Wendy Alana

I had to make a lot of changes and redefine what it meant to fill my cup. Self-care and my mental health are still essential priorities for me, but the way I go about nurturing that is completely different now. Motherhood is unpredictable so you have to be okay with plans changing, daily. This was a very challenging adjustment for me, to not have control. I know that I can’t take care of my kids if I neglect myself, but all the things I used to enjoy felt like work, and I do not have the capacity to add to my to-do list. Bubble baths and face masks do not cure sleep deprivation or take away the anxiety when you feel like everyone is counting on you at home and at work, but you feel like you’re letting everyone down.

There’s no such thing as a day off in my life right now. I’ve learned it’s okay to accept that having a thorough shower and blow drying my hair is good enough. Self-care for me today doesn’t involve much “doing” because I don’t have a lot of help. Claiming moments for alone time are key but not often realistic. I have learned to give myself a lot of grace.

My body and mind are always tired. Sleep and rest are the ultimate way I care for myself today. I intentionally crawl into bed at 9:00pm twice per week at minimum. I feel good when I exercise because it is how I maintain mind body connection. It’s a physical release of all the stress I carry. I used to go to my fitness studio four or five classes per week, now I book three and I have to be okay with only making it to one because someone came home from school with a fever. Having my mom come over so I can clean, go to the bank, walk my dog, or run errands in peace is self-care because I can get my life in order. These things I do for myself are good for me, and as a result, they’re good for my children.

Interacting with other moms and building my community is extremely important for my mental health. It took some time to find my people, other parents who I can genuinely relate to. Parenting styles, lifestyle, core values, etc. These are the people who help normalize the things that no one wants to talk about. These are the people who see me when I feel like I can’t breathe. We are not alone in our struggles. We need to be careful what we consume and what society is portraying as self-care. We can find self-care in one another, connection. Comparison is killer when you’re in survival mode, especially as a new mom or working mom. And we must let go of expectations of both our children and ourselves. The truth is, like you, I’m still just trying to figure it all out.